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I have recently commited to being a Beachbody Coach. I want to help people become fit and healthy as I travel through this journey myself. I invite you to follow me on my journey into fitness, which means not only losing weight, but also becoming the best that I can possibly be. I want you to follow me, I want you to read my posts, and if you are someone who needs help and motivation towards reaching a fitness goal, please contact me. I will stand by you no matter what, and I will help you succeed.

I am not perfect, and if you read my blog, you will know that I am far from that, but I will “do my best and forget the rest” and keep pushing play in order to achieve my goal.

In my other blog, you will find more about myself. You will see pictures, and even videos that I will be posting. And also recipes of healthy meals that you can enjoy guilt free! 🙂

Come join me in my journey, together we can do this!

 

So click here and get to know me!

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A sad tune robs me of my momentarily smile and tears run down my face once more; it’s you I’m thinking of. I cannot do anything else except needing you… It’s so hard to live with feelings of insecurity and loneliness clutching up in my heart. I am not supposed to be feeling like this, but I cannot stop it… I am not able to suppress this annihilating sadness… I am incomplete.

Where are you now? It’s been so many days. Not a phone call. Not an email. Not even an offline message. And I am sitting here alone, surrounded by the voices of my loneliness that kindly induce me into this every-day-grief. This agony of waiting for you hours; pretending that I am actually doing something else when I am just sitting in vain waiting for my phone to ring or to hear the sound of an incoming message from the chat box.

As the moment seems too long, I call. The waiting tune of your mobile puts me on hold for more than two minutes. No one answers. It rings until a message appears on my mobile screen: “the other party did not answer. Call again?” I press yes. Again the same happens. I give up. I know if I keep on calling it will be the same. It’s happened before. You are not there; I choose to believe this.

By far I’d better believe that you are busy or away from your phone than looking at this picture that often crosses my mind. You are sitting on a chair, talking to someone I cannot recognize. Your phone rings. You look at it for two seconds, and then, you mute it. You don’t want it to bother your conversation. It actually bothers you. You place your muted mobile in the pocket of your jacket. It keeps ringing but it is not bothering you anymore. I’ve been silenced.

(Anwar and master Pasha’s conversation about love. Movie name: Anwar. Best hindi movie I’ve ever seen. )

Anwar: Who is Meera? Who is Krishna? Mehru. Who are all of them master Pasha?

Master Pasha: Love. True Love. Love some one Anwar, then you will know the truth of life. Love, that has truth, sacrifice and trust. Like… Meera’s love for Krishna. And Krishna’s love for Meera. Meera immersed herself in Krishna’s love. And Krishna in Meera’s… See More love. Wonderful. When two people unite in love. Or shall we say, that they both cross all the boundaries. That is love. Rest all are love stories Anwar. Heer Ranjha, Rome and Juliet. Only love stories. Love, that’s all. This life is so colorless wihout love, Anwar. … Where did you get lost?

Anwar: Did you love anyone, like Meera loved Krishna?

Master Pasha: I loved her a lot. A lot of love. You know, I couldnt sleep at nights. How could anyone sleep with so much love inside him? It felt as if, my chest will burst open. But, after her death everything changed. My Meera’s death made me insane. Me…. do I look mad? Three months, three months I stayed in the sanatorioun. When there is so much love inside you, you feel like sharing it. But when there is no one to share it with, then one will turn mad. It is a very unusual thing, Anwar, Love. It can even make you mad.

Vainly, I try to take you out of my thoughts, but that’s an impossible undoable task. “Something always brings me back to you”. I insist on calling you! And you keep rejecting my calls, making up excuses for not being able to answer the phone!

It would be much easier if you told me that I cannot call you anymore… that it bothers you, that I should stop this craziness. But rather you encourage me! You allow me to keep on with my obsession of wanting to know at every second about you! And yet, you keep letting it ring on its own, as if a ghostly force would come and pick it up… It would be much easier not to know your number at all…

“Set me free! Let me be!” Unlock these invisible chains that restrain me from carrying on and that hold me close to your distant being. Or else, be here now! Be more present than just 5 minutes a week. I thought I was strong. I thought I wouldn’t mind the ocean between us… But it’s been far too much, and I just can’t swim.

I look at my phone as if it would ring by just keeping my eyes on it… But it’s dead mute. What’s the purpose of loving someone when you are unable to express how you really feel? No Pur- Pose at All!. Insignificantly, I go on, trying to refrain myself from making these Never-Answered-by-You phone calls. It would be much easier if I could move on…

Random Thoughts I

And once more I find myself alone. In my loneliness, these myriads of chaotic thoughts are the only interlocutors I find. But, thankfully, they don’t interfere with my monologue, rather they construct it, build it, help develop it.

Once more I find myself missing you, your voice, and your words; to such an extent as if those were my sources of living, as if they were an engine, and I, a mere machine that cannot move without its engine put in motion. But the engine is now lost; it comes and goes as it pleases, thinking of its existence as being needless. However, I am still motionless, waiting for all the doors of hope to be opened up again with your return.

And I miss, and I miss. I cannot be me if my most important part is detached from my own being. I am fragmented, incomplete. So distant you are but yet you won’t accept it, exerting a great deal of strength in making me believe that you cannot breathe without me, portraying a mere surface image. What goes beyond is what really matters. And it is beyond, that the truth lies.

You can breathe. You don’t miss. So I wonder, I wonder, and I keep wondering why you lie not just to me but to yourself. What’s your profit out of this? What’s the prize you’re going to get? But you defy my point of view, posing your own farfetched arguments, using language to your own advantage.

You keep saying “I love you”, the magic set phrase which is supposed to light up someone’s heart, to compensate for broken promises, and to act as an erasure of guilt. It’s getting complicated for me to fully believe in this three-words-phrase. When it becomes evident that actions don’t longer match, or even that they never did actually match with the words uttered, something gets broken deep within from where mistrust and paranoia emerge.

I’m back again… It’s been so long since my last post.. So Here I am.. trying to make something new out of this flux of continous thoughts that won’t let me sleep at night nor breath during day…

“Why do I write? Why writing something he would never get to read?” I’ve asked myself a thousand times postponing my lines till I have something better to write about, something someone will finally read… not miles away….but right here, right now, by my side… But I keep waiting and that moment seems never to come… never to happen. But I need to speak! I need to take this pain off my shoulders.. it’s too heavy… to unbearable.. I cannot breath.. it feels like a virus, eating me from within.. I’ve lost part of myself…. I forgot who I was… How can I recover it back?? Perhaps it is too late… Perhaps he no longer cares… Perhaps my pessimism, my endless insecurity drew him away …. But I need to speak.. And I beg you to listen to me…

I thought youd be out of my mind
And Id finally found a way to learn to live without you
I thought it was just a matter of time
Till I had a hundred reasons not to think about you

But its just not so
And after all this time, I still cant let go

Ive still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory, baby

Ive got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of my fingertips
This love so deep inside of me, baby

Ive tried everything that I can
To get my heart to forget you
But it just cant seem to

I guess its just no use
In every part of me
Is still a part of you

And Ive still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory, baby

Ive got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of her fingertips
This love so deep inside of me, baby

Ive still got your face
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart, oh baby

Something in your eyes keeps haunting me
Im trying to escape you
And I know there aint no way to
To chase you from my mind

Ive still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory baby

Ive got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of my fingertips
This love so deep inside of me, baby

Ive still got your face
Ive still got your face
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart

 

*** Why is it so hard to let YOU go?!?!***