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Archive for the ‘Desolation’ Category

A sad tune robs me of my momentarily smile and tears run down my face once more; it’s you I’m thinking of. I cannot do anything else except needing you… It’s so hard to live with feelings of insecurity and loneliness clutching up in my heart. I am not supposed to be feeling like this, but I cannot stop it… I am not able to suppress this annihilating sadness… I am incomplete.

Where are you now? It’s been so many days. Not a phone call. Not an email. Not even an offline message. And I am sitting here alone, surrounded by the voices of my loneliness that kindly induce me into this every-day-grief. This agony of waiting for you hours; pretending that I am actually doing something else when I am just sitting in vain waiting for my phone to ring or to hear the sound of an incoming message from the chat box.

As the moment seems too long, I call. The waiting tune of your mobile puts me on hold for more than two minutes. No one answers. It rings until a message appears on my mobile screen: “the other party did not answer. Call again?” I press yes. Again the same happens. I give up. I know if I keep on calling it will be the same. It’s happened before. You are not there; I choose to believe this.

By far I’d better believe that you are busy or away from your phone than looking at this picture that often crosses my mind. You are sitting on a chair, talking to someone I cannot recognize. Your phone rings. You look at it for two seconds, and then, you mute it. You don’t want it to bother your conversation. It actually bothers you. You place your muted mobile in the pocket of your jacket. It keeps ringing but it is not bothering you anymore. I’ve been silenced.

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Vainly, I try to take you out of my thoughts, but that’s an impossible undoable task. “Something always brings me back to you”. I insist on calling you! And you keep rejecting my calls, making up excuses for not being able to answer the phone!

It would be much easier if you told me that I cannot call you anymore… that it bothers you, that I should stop this craziness. But rather you encourage me! You allow me to keep on with my obsession of wanting to know at every second about you! And yet, you keep letting it ring on its own, as if a ghostly force would come and pick it up… It would be much easier not to know your number at all…

“Set me free! Let me be!” Unlock these invisible chains that restrain me from carrying on and that hold me close to your distant being. Or else, be here now! Be more present than just 5 minutes a week. I thought I was strong. I thought I wouldn’t mind the ocean between us… But it’s been far too much, and I just can’t swim.

I look at my phone as if it would ring by just keeping my eyes on it… But it’s dead mute. What’s the purpose of loving someone when you are unable to express how you really feel? No Pur- Pose at All!. Insignificantly, I go on, trying to refrain myself from making these Never-Answered-by-You phone calls. It would be much easier if I could move on…

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And once more I find myself alone. In my loneliness, these myriads of chaotic thoughts are the only interlocutors I find. But, thankfully, they don’t interfere with my monologue, rather they construct it, build it, help develop it.

Once more I find myself missing you, your voice, and your words; to such an extent as if those were my sources of living, as if they were an engine, and I, a mere machine that cannot move without its engine put in motion. But the engine is now lost; it comes and goes as it pleases, thinking of its existence as being needless. However, I am still motionless, waiting for all the doors of hope to be opened up again with your return.

And I miss, and I miss. I cannot be me if my most important part is detached from my own being. I am fragmented, incomplete. So distant you are but yet you won’t accept it, exerting a great deal of strength in making me believe that you cannot breathe without me, portraying a mere surface image. What goes beyond is what really matters. And it is beyond, that the truth lies.

You can breathe. You don’t miss. So I wonder, I wonder, and I keep wondering why you lie not just to me but to yourself. What’s your profit out of this? What’s the prize you’re going to get? But you defy my point of view, posing your own farfetched arguments, using language to your own advantage.

You keep saying “I love you”, the magic set phrase which is supposed to light up someone’s heart, to compensate for broken promises, and to act as an erasure of guilt. It’s getting complicated for me to fully believe in this three-words-phrase. When it becomes evident that actions don’t longer match, or even that they never did actually match with the words uttered, something gets broken deep within from where mistrust and paranoia emerge.

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I’m back again… It’s been so long since my last post.. So Here I am.. trying to make something new out of this flux of continous thoughts that won’t let me sleep at night nor breath during day…

“Why do I write? Why writing something he would never get to read?” I’ve asked myself a thousand times postponing my lines till I have something better to write about, something someone will finally read… not miles away….but right here, right now, by my side… But I keep waiting and that moment seems never to come… never to happen. But I need to speak! I need to take this pain off my shoulders.. it’s too heavy… to unbearable.. I cannot breath.. it feels like a virus, eating me from within.. I’ve lost part of myself…. I forgot who I was… How can I recover it back?? Perhaps it is too late… Perhaps he no longer cares… Perhaps my pessimism, my endless insecurity drew him away …. But I need to speak.. And I beg you to listen to me…

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Listen to Me

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Honey, come back

Is this what you wanted?

See me torn and broken

Forever apart

 

Was I asking too much?

All I needed was a kiss

Or maybe two

And be hold in your arms

And later at night

To sleep by your side

 

Was I asking too much?

No harsh words

I begged thousand of times

But you kept looking aside

Pretending I was not there

 

But I was! Just beside you

To hold you

To support you

To love you

Until the end of times

 

You know I’d give everything

I’d fight everyone

I’d go everywhere

Only to be with you

 

But I find myself alone

Never did you love me

In fantasies I believed

All this past time

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corazones_20rotos_mediano1

 

¡No me amás!

¡Decímelo ya!

Tantas verdades

Que fuiste capaz

De admitir,

Y aún así

Ésta no sos capaz

De confesar.

 

¡Basta ya!

¿Acaso no estas cansado

De fingir cariño?

¿Acaso no estas harto

De tenerme a tu lado?

¿Tan insignificante soy?

¿Tan poco te importo?

¡Basta te ruego!

 

¡Piedad te imploro!

Hoy estoy cansada

Agotada de creer en “mundos

Creados” iré desalmada

Inundando desiertos

Y descargándome de la

Pesadumbre que llevo dentro

 

Sin tan sólo tus acciones

Fueran un reflejo de tus palabras

¡Pero no!

Es sólo un sueño

Del que me despierto sola

En mi almohada humedecida

Por haber llorado

Dormida y en silencio

 

Y aunque sé

que no me amás

que no me pensas

que no te importo

y que te da igual

Es muy tarde ya

Y dejar de amarte

Es irrealizable

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sahara-man

 

 

  Duro es el camino

Y el auto-exilio es doloroso

Pero dispuesto estás

A arriesgar tu vida

Por la ansiada libertad

 

Mas en los senderos

Que has de recorrer

Con miles de peligros

Te has de encontrar

 

Debes irte, marcharte

Correr, escapar

Buscar esa vida

Que tu amada África

No te puede dar

 

Descalzo vas

Por aquella arena

Del inmenso Sahara

Siguiendo las invisibles

Huellas de aquellos

Que mucho antes partieron

 

Temes perderte

Y te detienes

Elevando tus plegarias

Al Todopoderoso

 

Pides aliento y paz

Para soportar

Esta ardua lucha

La búsqueda de esperanzas

Por realizar

 

Pronto es de noche

Y aunque el frío

Se cuela por tus huesos

Alzas tu mirada

Y las estrellas te hablan

 

Ellas han de guiarte

Al norte, te dicen, ve

Debes seguir

Ten fe

Pronto has de llegar

 

Miles de obstáculos

Has de enfrentar

Y el más duro será

Dejar atrás y para siempre

Tu amada inmortal

 

Qué solitario es el camino

Solitario es estar solo

Te pesa haberla dejado atrás

Por no haber confiado

En que ella era capaz

 

Capaz de seguirte

Hasta el confín del universo

Capaz de brindarte aliento

Y ser tu luz en aquella

Inmensa oscuridad

 

El egoísmo desmesurado

Y la avaricia del propio bienestar

Te llevó a dejarla atrás

Pero difícil se hace el olvido

Cuando éste sólo tiene memorias

 

A catorce kilómetros

De tu ansiada libertad

“No te olvides de mi”

Tu amada África llorará

Tu ausencia e inundará el Sahara

Con la esperanza de que vuelvas

 

 

 Inspirado en gran parte en la película “14 kilómetros” (distancia que separa África de Europa), la cual trata sobre tres jóvenes africanos -Violeta, Buba y Mukela- que atraviesan todo el Sahara y se enfrentan con muchísimos inconvenientes y dificultades por conseguir su objetivo que es el de llegar a España.  Estas imágenes de rostros exhaustos dan buena fe de la dureza del viaje, un viaje que tiene su origen a miles de kilómetros de distancia y que puede durar años. Imperdible largometraje.

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