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Posts Tagged ‘needs’

A sad tune robs me of my momentarily smile and tears run down my face once more; it’s you I’m thinking of. I cannot do anything else except needing you… It’s so hard to live with feelings of insecurity and loneliness clutching up in my heart. I am not supposed to be feeling like this, but I cannot stop it… I am not able to suppress this annihilating sadness… I am incomplete.

Where are you now? It’s been so many days. Not a phone call. Not an email. Not even an offline message. And I am sitting here alone, surrounded by the voices of my loneliness that kindly induce me into this every-day-grief. This agony of waiting for you hours; pretending that I am actually doing something else when I am just sitting in vain waiting for my phone to ring or to hear the sound of an incoming message from the chat box.

As the moment seems too long, I call. The waiting tune of your mobile puts me on hold for more than two minutes. No one answers. It rings until a message appears on my mobile screen: “the other party did not answer. Call again?” I press yes. Again the same happens. I give up. I know if I keep on calling it will be the same. It’s happened before. You are not there; I choose to believe this.

By far I’d better believe that you are busy or away from your phone than looking at this picture that often crosses my mind. You are sitting on a chair, talking to someone I cannot recognize. Your phone rings. You look at it for two seconds, and then, you mute it. You don’t want it to bother your conversation. It actually bothers you. You place your muted mobile in the pocket of your jacket. It keeps ringing but it is not bothering you anymore. I’ve been silenced.

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Vainly, I try to take you out of my thoughts, but that’s an impossible undoable task. “Something always brings me back to you”. I insist on calling you! And you keep rejecting my calls, making up excuses for not being able to answer the phone!

It would be much easier if you told me that I cannot call you anymore… that it bothers you, that I should stop this craziness. But rather you encourage me! You allow me to keep on with my obsession of wanting to know at every second about you! And yet, you keep letting it ring on its own, as if a ghostly force would come and pick it up… It would be much easier not to know your number at all…

“Set me free! Let me be!” Unlock these invisible chains that restrain me from carrying on and that hold me close to your distant being. Or else, be here now! Be more present than just 5 minutes a week. I thought I was strong. I thought I wouldn’t mind the ocean between us… But it’s been far too much, and I just can’t swim.

I look at my phone as if it would ring by just keeping my eyes on it… But it’s dead mute. What’s the purpose of loving someone when you are unable to express how you really feel? No Pur- Pose at All!. Insignificantly, I go on, trying to refrain myself from making these Never-Answered-by-You phone calls. It would be much easier if I could move on…

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