Posts Tagged ‘thoughts’

A sad tune robs me of my momentarily smile and tears run down my face once more; it’s you I’m thinking of. I cannot do anything else except needing you… It’s so hard to live with feelings of insecurity and loneliness clutching up in my heart. I am not supposed to be feeling like this, but I cannot stop it… I am not able to suppress this annihilating sadness… I am incomplete.

Where are you now? It’s been so many days. Not a phone call. Not an email. Not even an offline message. And I am sitting here alone, surrounded by the voices of my loneliness that kindly induce me into this every-day-grief. This agony of waiting for you hours; pretending that I am actually doing something else when I am just sitting in vain waiting for my phone to ring or to hear the sound of an incoming message from the chat box.

As the moment seems too long, I call. The waiting tune of your mobile puts me on hold for more than two minutes. No one answers. It rings until a message appears on my mobile screen: “the other party did not answer. Call again?” I press yes. Again the same happens. I give up. I know if I keep on calling it will be the same. It’s happened before. You are not there; I choose to believe this.

By far I’d better believe that you are busy or away from your phone than looking at this picture that often crosses my mind. You are sitting on a chair, talking to someone I cannot recognize. Your phone rings. You look at it for two seconds, and then, you mute it. You don’t want it to bother your conversation. It actually bothers you. You place your muted mobile in the pocket of your jacket. It keeps ringing but it is not bothering you anymore. I’ve been silenced.


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And once more I find myself alone. In my loneliness, these myriads of chaotic thoughts are the only interlocutors I find. But, thankfully, they don’t interfere with my monologue, rather they construct it, build it, help develop it.

Once more I find myself missing you, your voice, and your words; to such an extent as if those were my sources of living, as if they were an engine, and I, a mere machine that cannot move without its engine put in motion. But the engine is now lost; it comes and goes as it pleases, thinking of its existence as being needless. However, I am still motionless, waiting for all the doors of hope to be opened up again with your return.

And I miss, and I miss. I cannot be me if my most important part is detached from my own being. I am fragmented, incomplete. So distant you are but yet you won’t accept it, exerting a great deal of strength in making me believe that you cannot breathe without me, portraying a mere surface image. What goes beyond is what really matters. And it is beyond, that the truth lies.

You can breathe. You don’t miss. So I wonder, I wonder, and I keep wondering why you lie not just to me but to yourself. What’s your profit out of this? What’s the prize you’re going to get? But you defy my point of view, posing your own farfetched arguments, using language to your own advantage.

You keep saying “I love you”, the magic set phrase which is supposed to light up someone’s heart, to compensate for broken promises, and to act as an erasure of guilt. It’s getting complicated for me to fully believe in this three-words-phrase. When it becomes evident that actions don’t longer match, or even that they never did actually match with the words uttered, something gets broken deep within from where mistrust and paranoia emerge.

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I’ve tried my best

I’ve struggled so hard

Not to think

Not to remember

Not to believe

In undoable promises 



I’ve killed you all

I’ve left you behind

I’ve covered you

Among the shadows

Black shadows of

Forever gone

And endless no mores



I will have forgotten

I will have survived

I will have laughed at me

For believing in fantasies

I will be alright

And tears will not longer

Well up in my eyes


In the oblivion you will live

Where harm cannot be done

Where hate is effectless

And pain, unfelt

In my eyes you will see

That I no longer give a shit!



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They run in silence down my face

They run without an explanation

They make me feel unsafe


They won’t show themselves to you

They will wait until I’m gone

They will bring black thoughts


Dreadfully oppressed

By this feeling of constant loneliness

I see my culminating days


They have placed the blame on me

They have suppressed my thoughts

They have murdered my hopes


In silence down my face they run

Without an explanation

Making me feel unsafe


By no means can I let you know

The aching pain that my heart holds

Once more I feel oppressed


Time and time again

I blame myself

For the wrong I always make


Time and time again

I blame myself

For not having words to say


Dreadfully oppressed

For believing myself

The cause of your unhappiness

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I LoVe YoU


I love you
For the tenderness
In your eyes
When you see
A baby cry

I love you
For the sweetness
In your smile
When you say
You long to be a dad

There’s so much in you
So much of which
I cannot describe
In simply words


 You know my voice
But not the one
That my heart talks
When I’m looking at you

I love you
For the way you express
The lovely feelings
In your sweet soft heart
And because you aren’t
Ashamed of crying

I love you
For the way you
Always make me laugh
And because you make me
As happy as a star

I wish one day
You would look at me
Not just as a simple friend
And make me part
Of your sweetest dreams

Until that day comes
I will keep on going
With my secret love
Writing words
For your sweet soul

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–>Written for my best friend whom I’ve known  for almost all my life and who have recently stopped talking to me for no reason at all. Mili, this is for you…

Remember when we used to play
With our dolls when we were kids?
We would spend hours in
The back yard garden of my house
Inventing stories of love
Imaging ourselves being adults

Remember when we used to sit
In the front door of your home?
We no longer played with dolls
We were interested in boys!
We would spend hours
Talking of our illusive joys

Remember when we used to stay
up until the sun would come?
Talking nonsense of our
Non-correspondent loves
Laughing and crying
But never arguing

Remember our lives today
Some time ago, not long though
We were as close as sisters
Don’t pretend to have forgotten
Seventeen years of friendship
Must still mean something

Remember I’m still here
Dreaming with words
But packing my memories
In an empty box
Hope you would be the same
Before I have already moved on

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While Waiting

The pattering of the rain
Out of my window
Warns me that you
Will fail to come

Looking to the outside
I see not just rain
I see the autumn leaves
Rustling in the breeze

Although you ain’t with me
I’m not alone in here
I hear the squeak of mice
Eating all our rice!

The fire is crackling
Under the chimney
I’d prepared all
For this evening

The house is silent
Without your laughter
I hear the clock chiming
Announcing and timing

Hope is almost gone
The phone hasn’t rang
And the dog hasn’t yapped
Will you come in later night?

Oh how great!
The rattle of the key
Brings a smile to my face
I know it’s you who’s coming
Through the fence

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